Well, football season is officially back in Western New York. In most NFL markets this is the time of year greeted with hope and excitement, but this is Buffalo. All of that was dashed quicker than Ryan Lochte's sponsorships after Rio.
I mean seriously, what in the love of fuck was that?
The Baltimore Ravens, best known for carrying Trent Dilfer "Weekend At Bernie's" style to a championship (and a job at ESPN where he gets to give his opinion on race relations to millions of Americans) controlled the game from the opening snap to the all too late conclusion. Not because they played well – not by a long shot – but because the Buffalo Bills proved yet again that supporting them is akin to being shot in the chest…except it lasts for three hours and the 911 dispatcher won't send help.
First off, the playcalling was the worst performance by a Roman since the Battle of Adrianople. If he booted up Madden ‘17 and just ran the suggested plays, it would have been more effective than what actually went on. I'm convinced he stole Tyrod's wristband before the game and replaced it with a post-it that said "throw 2 shady," because if I had taken a shot for every attempted pass to McCoy in the flat, at least I could have forgotten how it never worked.
We traded up in the draft to get Sammy Watkins and we won't use him for anything. You may as well give me a #14 jersey and put me out there, because I'm very good at standing and watching other people play football, which appears to be his major role in the offense this year. At least give Sammy a beer and some wings so he can enjoy his time out there. He'll have plenty of time to relish the delectable snack between not needing his hands to catch the ball and watching Tyrod run for his life from pass rush after pass rush – let through by our offensive line like a fat revolving door.
Alright, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself on that one. Maybe next week they'll try to get the ball to him downfield after AJ Green singlehandedly beat the Jets.
....Wait what? Seriously? Again? You've got to be shitting me.
Of course he's hurt again. The only three certainties in life are death, taxes, and Sammy Watkins hurting himself while walking on a flat surface while being breathed on by a defender. Remember last year when he hurt himself catching a ball in the end zone with no one around? My niece builds more stable structures out of lego than Sammy Watkins' legs, which I'm convinced at this point are actually foam stuffed into pads.
Tyrod had the least yards per snap this week in the NFL. His competition included, but was not limited to:
- Dak Prescott, Trevor Seimien, and Carson Wentz in their debuts
- Ryan Tannehill - who I've been informed by the CBS broadcasts about 15 times
a week - played receiver in college
-Shaun fucking Hill. Shaun Hill would have chosen Sam Bradford over himself as the starter. The Vikings, for the record, didn't find the endzone and still outperformed us.
The Bills made a big deal in the offseason about resigning Tyrod, and then treated him like they couldn't trust him as far as they could throw Rob Ryan (which I would imagine isn't very far, given the impressive mass of that man). Nothing was thrown downfield; probably because Rex was afraid of Eric Weddle's beard. We constantly called repetitive plays while Tyrod was being chased by Terrell Suggs, who they had to bus in from getting his weekly deer antler spray injections at his assisted living facility because the offensive line forgot this wasn't a flag football game. May God have mercy on Tyrod when we play an actual defense. Prepare your eulogies.
The game deciding play was a 67 yard touchdown catch by Mike Wallace. It was his longest catch since 2012, which was also the last time anyone looked at him as an offensive weapon. Sure enough, he burned Duke Williams like he was a bar in the battle of Black Rock . Now, Mike Wallace isn't fast enough to beat anyone with two working legs down a football field these days, so Duke compounded his embarrassment by catching up to Wallace…only to get shoved aside like a fly trying to get in Steve Smith's personal space. He has now gone on Twitter telling haters he's back, but I'll reserve judgment until he outruns someone who will still be in the NFL in two years.
Fun fact: did you know Mike Wallace's first name is actually Burnell?
So now Baltimore fans get to enjoy their week one, call it a gritty win and praise Flacco as a game manager. Flacco - the only remaining proof of the government's failed human/giraffe crossbreeding program - did nothing to deserve this win other than show up to play the Bills. He will get showered with praise from fans that will yet again call him "elite" because they have an inferiority complex. He'll bask in this glory by diving Scrooge McDuck style into a room filled with gummi bears.
On the bright side, we only have to wait until Thursday to go through all of this again – because the Bills always do great in primetime. I hope they wear those red and green color rush unis again for the sake of colorblind Bills fans, so they can get confused and cheer for a team that might make the playoffs for a few seconds until they remember we don't have Fitzpatrick anymore.
(title photo credited to Fox Sports/Getty Images)
716 Sports Podcast is brought to Lockhouse Distillery and Bar located in the Cobblestone District in downtown Buffalo. Tune in tonight as we wrap-up this game the only way we know how.