Rasmus, I'm already afraid of you.  -Photo from Buffalo News

Rasmus, I'm already afraid of you.  -Photo from Buffalo News

Bored hockey media everywhere are…well…uh…er…ummm…like…bored. Presenting a “possible” Rasmus Ristolainen for Jacob Trouba trade is like predicting a snowy winter in Buffalo – it’s an easy take. A simple way to rile up some small-market, hardcore fans before they write their next unclickable snorefest on hockeywebsiteblogosphere.net.ca.org. It's probably not going to happen. But for fun, I present you this unclickable snorefest of a comparison of the 2 players because #clicks.

Are you still here? This is really going to get boring.

The first noticeable difference between these 2 stud d-men is that Ristolainen is a 21 year old Finnish defenseman while Trouba is a 22 year old defenseman from Rochester, Minnesota (side-bar: I wonder if they have garbage plates there, too?) Seems pretty basic, right? But FINLAND! Finland’s education system is statistically much better than America’s, so Rasmus should be the smarter of the two. The graph below shows that Finland grades out higher in reading AND math. So IN THEORY Ristolainen will then be great at READING the play and then CALCULATING his next move. While American learned Jake Trouba may stutter through his reads, forget a decimal point and put the puck in his own net.  

When it comes to defense, something the Sabres could probably use more of is grit and toughness. Trading Risto for Trouba does not REALLY impact this much; Trouba is 6-2 205lbs and posses the ability to deliver bone-crushing hits. I still score this one in favor of Risto though. In Finland, it is their civic duty to serve at least one year in the Military. What does this mean? Risto is a hard-nosed, jagged-edged, immensely precise, well-trained, war-ready Finnish machine. I don’t know about you, but I prefer my defensmen hard-nosed, jagged-edged, immensely precise, well-trained and war-ready.

Next, a pie chart. The Sabres play 16 games on Thursday night. Why is this important? American defenseman may be too focused on Thursday Night Football and their team’s cool color rush jerseys to play a solid defensive game. Statistics show, Trouba performs well on Wednesday nights when there is nothing good on TV. This pie chart shows that Rasmus prefers apple pie and defensemen that prefer apple pie tend to perform better on wintery Wednesday AND Thursday nights. That’s a total of a possible 38 points (16 Thursday games and 3 Wednesday). Apple pie. Clutch.

 A pie chart depicting Rasmus's favorite pies

A pie chart depicting Rasmus's favorite pies

Risto’s European descent also means that he is a man that appreciates a quality piece of technology. So, obviously he is a Samsung Galaxy user. HUGE plus. Players with iPhones (Jacob Trouba) have a tendency to use SnapChat entirely too much, which includes over-using annoying photo filters and are generally less good at hockey than Galaxy users. If you don’t believe me on their phone preference; fact check me. I dare you.

When it comes down to it, I honestly feel like a Risto for Trouba trade would be silly. The proof is in the pudding ^^^^^^^ (or the apple pie). Both are great defenseman but Risto is what the Sabres need. This trade is merely speculation by the media. It’s like predicting Steven Stamkos to Buffalo because it’s close to home. It’s too good a puzzle piece to not try and squeeze into a wrong spot. I predict Risto will sign a lengthy 6 year deal worth about 34 million dollars this week