Sweetening the pot for Jeff Skinner

Things have gotten real around KeyBank Center. The NHL trade deadline has come and gone, and all-star forward Jeff Skinner remains on the roster, which seems to indicate that the team has all intentions of signing the stud scorer to a long term deal. Are the Sabres willing to shell out the $9.5 million that Mark Stone got from Vegas? Maybe not. But let’s remember, $8 million Buffalo dollars is like…$16 million New York dollars, or $22.8 million Boston dollars. And with Canada right next door, that money can easily triple - thanks, inflated exchange rate!

Economic intricacies aside, there is a lot that Buffalo has to offer Skinner beyond dollars and cents. I think we’ve put together a list of 53 incentives that Jason Botterill can throw in with any contract that will have Skinner thinking twice about looking elsewhere…

  1. Lackawanna

  2. A free subscription to The Athletic for two years (regular rates apply thereafter)

  3. Free bacon from Ted’s

  4. The Pegula’s teleportation device for easy travel from Buffalo to Florida

  5. A blue collar work ethic

  6. One day a year where you get to light up Niagara Falls whatever color you want

  7. Shooting lessons with Maddie Elia

  8. The 990 gets to be your private race track for one Wednesday, no questions asked

  9. Any one (1) ship from the Naval Yard

  10. You get to call Lancaster High School the original nickname and no one judges either way for the month of August

  11. Frank Lloyd Wright builds you a house

  12. Ten percent off at Buffalo Chophouse on your birthday

  13. All intellectual property to Skunkpost.com

  14. You pick the date when Cellino and Barnes actually break up

  15. A hockey stick

  16. Any one game where you screw up bad, but instead of berating you, Twitter will just bitch about Jack Eichel’s backchecking

  17. The soul of Cliff Pu

  18. Your own polar themed habitat at the Buffalo Zoo

  19. Respect from The Troops

  20. A beer with Mark Poloncarz

  21. Coach first base for the whole time Vlad Guerrero Jr. inexplicably remains in Buffalo

  22. A downtown Bass Pro Shop

  23. Mike Harrington will unblock you

  24. Evander Kane’s alarm clock

  25. Mighty Taco’s ad agency does a commercial about you and ends it with their jingle

  26. A free checking account from Marine Midland

  27. A studio apartment near Hertel

  28. Two (2) loganberry bushes

  29. Chicken AND beef souvlaki at the same time for a nominal fee

  30. A computer from Bak USA

  31. Dash’s Market will build an expansion in the nearest grotto to you

  32. A great deal on liquor bottles at the Duty Free

  33. Guest spot on the next Goo Goo Dolls song

  34. Five (5) years before you have to be older than Janet Snyder publically

  35. John Tavares will acknowledge you as his favorite nephew

  36. Artpark

  37. You get to ask every penguin at the Niagara Aquarium one question and they have to answer truthfully or risk punishment

  38. Mayorship of Darien Lake

  39. Pickup basketball with Bruce Smith whether he wants to or not

  40. When the Patriots visit you get to make fun of Robert Kraft and get a pass on acknowledging the horrific humanitarian aspects of human trafficking

  41. Charlie’s butcher

  42. We just pretend you’ve always loved the UB Bulls just like everyone always has

  43. Retroactively be named the Sabres’ 2017 All-Star rep instead of Kyle Okposo

  44. Your own hibachi table but you have to find someone to cook on it

  45. You don’t have to pretend to like sponge candy

  46. Free snow in the winter

  47. William Mattar on speed dial

  48. Ranch dressing

  49. Hang out with Every Time I Die

  50. Playing on my softball team at Delaware Park in the summer because our first baseman moved and we could really use another bat in the lineup

  51. You’d have to think a big poster or whatever at KeyBank Center

  52. Dent Tower will fix its clock if you ask nicely

  53. Money

Bill Kenney